


Soul Deep

by macaroni_meangirls



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Cady and Sophie are beans, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, WLW Solidarity, breakup angst, its very soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 14:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20009545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macaroni_meangirls/pseuds/macaroni_meangirls
Summary: Sonja's heart is broken and it seems like nothing can help. But help comes from unusual places.





	Soul Deep

Sonja’s room swims before her eyes, hot tears brimming for the third night in a row as she slams her phone down yet again, swallowing hard around the lump in her throat as she fights back her tears.

But her phone buzzes again, and her stomach flips nauseatingly at the faint vibration. An awful sinking feeling tells her that this next message is going to be exactly what she fears most. But as much as she wants to hide from it, the message is still there, demanding her attention, and finally she snatches her phone back up, swearing under her breath as she swipes to reads the message.

_Gracie <3: This isn’t working out. It’s not working and it’s never going to work. I can’t keep doing this with you, Sonja. It’s better if we just end it here. ___

__Sonja’s head spins dizzyingly as she scans the small black words. She has to read them nearly three times before the truth sinks in, and she swears she can feel as her heart cracks in half. The tears break free then, her eyes burning as she lets herself sob, those brief black words swimming as her vision blurs._ _

__She taps something out, managing some meaningless reply that barely registers in her mind. Her finger hovers briefly over Grace’s contact, considering deleting her number, but she can’t bring herself to do it, to make it that final. So with another hissed curse, she tosses her phone to the side, not particularly caring where it ends up._ _

__The worst part is that she knew it was coming. It’s been a slow, inevitable, painful slide over the past few months, slowly cracking her heart in two until the final blow that has split her in half down the center._ _

__They’d agreed to try long distance when Grace had been accepted to MIT last spring. They’d been together since Sonja was in tenth grade and Grace was in eleventh, they’d made it two years; a fourteen hour drive was only one more hurdle to overcome._ _

__And at first it had been okay. Sonja had missed her terribly, aching for her soft touch and quiet voice and subtle ability to know just when she needed a hug, whether she was having a rough day with dysmorphia or the news was giving her nightmares or she was just having a bad day. But they FaceTimed every evening, texted far too late into the night even after Sonja’s mom ended their calls, made plans to visit during spring break, summer, and Christmas._ _

__Then it got harder. Grace was swamped every night with homework and once even fell asleep in the middle of a call with Sonja. Sonja couldn’t find a way to make it to Massachusetts no matter how hard she tried, and when Grace had flown home for a long weekend, it had been with a new tattoo she hadn’t told Sonja about and a strange distance driven between them like a wedge. She hadn’t been to visit since, leaving a gaping uncertainty between them as well as pushing them even farther apart._ _

__Sonja has to stifle a wail into her pillow then, trembling as hot tears soak the soft cotton fabric. She’s been with Grace for nearly a year and a half, her first relationship ever to move beyond a hopeless crush. And now it’s over, ripped apart in four brutal sentences._ _

__She sobs for hours, stifling her pain into her pillow to avoid waking up her mother in the next room. If she finds out, she’ll rush to comfort Sonja, smothering her with hugs and whispers and hot chamomile tea and love, and while she knows her mom means well, all she wants is to be left alone while she works her way through this crippling hurt._ _

__Sonja cries until there are no tears left to pour from her burning eyes, leaving her congested, sniffling, puffy-eyed, and feeling absolutely no better at all. She wipes her running nose on her sleeve, a dull headache pounding in her temples from crying so long. Across the room, her gerbils shuffle in their cage, rustling in the shavings. They must be able to sense her distress, unused to hearing her cry. Sonja murmurs a quiet reassurance, the words “I’m okay” slipping so easily from her lips that it’s almost like she’s not lying._ _

__She’s not quite sure when sleep finally washes over her, throwing her a temporary lifeline in this sea of heartache. But it’s truly a mercy._ _

__\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_ _

__The first thing Sonja sees when she blinks open her puffy, swollen eyes is the Ruby Rose poster taped neatly to the wall, a gift from Grace for her quinceañera. Sonja had nearly passed out when she’d opened it in front of her extremely Catholic relatives, but Grace’s grin had made it all worth it._ _

__Now all it is is another reminder._ _

__Sonja wants to tear it down, rip it from the wall and rend it from end to end, breaking it the way her heart’s been broken. And for a moment she almost does, lunging for the poster before freezing almost against her will, hand quivering an inch away from the paper. Of course she can’t tear it down. It’s from Grace. And that wound is still far too raw to rub in the salt of removing the last little bits of her love from her life._ _

__Finally she brings herself to tug it gently from the wall and bury it in the closet behind a heap of flannels. Baby steps, she tells herself. Baby steps._ _

__She doesn’t buy it._ _

__She mechanically shakes the feed into the small metal bowl, barely cracking a smile as her gerbils, Hayley and King Princess, rush for their breakfast, squeaking. The cage door slams shut with a bang as she turns away._ _

__Her mother eyes her suspiciously when Sonja turns up her nose at chilaquiles, which she could normally devour her body weight in on any given day, but doesn’t comment. She feels like she’ll be sick if she eats, her stomach still unsettled from a lack of sleep and crying so long. At a stern look from her mom, she digs a granola bar out of the pantry, stuffing it into her backpack with no intention of actually eating it._ _

__The walk to her bus stop is a haze of confusion, exhaustion, and the dull ache reverberating through her chest. No one ever told Sonja heartbreak could be this painful._ _

__She sits next to Cady on the bus. Janis, her usual seatmate, widens her eyes a little at the change, but doesn’t remark on either that or Sonja’ bloodshot eyes. Cady asks no questions and doesn’t even blink at the bags under her eyes, but there’s a hint of compassion in her voice as she asks if she can show Sonja how to work a differential equation. Sonja doesn’t hesitate to nod, resting her head on Cady’s shoulder and pretending to watch as she solves a page full of equations, Cady’s smooth voice lulling her into some semblance of peace._ _

__She has a sneaking suspicion that Cady is fully aware she’s not listening to a single word. And something tells her that may have been the plan all along._ _

__Cady gives her relief from life until the bus pulls up outside school, relief from having to talk or think or do anything other than lay quietly on her shoulder, lost in her own head. But as Sonja steps off the bus, swaying slightly from exhaustion and hunger, Cady briefly touches her arm and then leans in and ever-so-softly kisses the very tip of her nose._ _

__Her gentle touch, her sweet show of love almost sends another wave of tears spilling over. Sonja stares into her deep blue eyes, and she’s so, so close to breaking, telling her the truth and slumping into her arms and letting herself cry until she can find some glue for the broken pieces of herself she’s trying to hold together._ _

__The words are on the tip of her tongue when Janis catches up, wrapping an arm around Cady and asking something like “where’s mine?” and the moment is broken, leaving Sonja standing alone in a crowd of hundreds, watching her friends enjoy what she’s lost._ _

__Jealousy bubbles in her stomach, brought to such a boil by their love that Sonja’s certain her face must be turning ivy green like a cartoon character’s. A dizzying mix of emotions spins in her brain, reminiscent of when Janis had dragged her onto the Tilt-A-Whirl at the county fair, insisting that she’d love it. Being strapped in a tiny box had made her claustrophobic and suffocated, the horrible whirling taking away all sense of direction and grounding. She’d staggered off the ride after three minutes to vomit into a trashcan and had been forced to lay sprawled across a bench with her head in Cady’s lap for nearly an hour, too disoriented to stand without her stomach flipping._ _

__That same feeling is back now, her head whirling and stomach churning, lost and confused with no sense of up or down. Envy of what her friends have and sorrow for what she’s lost and anger at Grace for ending it and anger at herself for taking what she knew, deep down, was coming and an overwhelming, heartbreaking feeling of being unlovable all fight for control in her head, panic rising now too as her head spins and hands tremble and tears sting at her eyes. She’s lost and alone and afraid, her chest heaving as she struggles to breathe, seeking to just keep her feet on the ground that’s caving under her feet._ _

__Janis steps away from Cady, her eyes flaring in alarm at Sonja’s face. “Jesus Christ, Sonj, what’s wrong?” And then she’s stepping forward, trying to gather Sonja into a tight hug, and Cady tries to tug her away, knowing that it won’t help, but Janis is too strong, and then she can’t breathe, suffocating in Janis’s well-meaning arms._ _

__She throws every bit of strength she has into one pull and tears away, bolting without a second thought, just needing to get out of that judgemental crowd. Her feet ache as she sprints away, black spots darting in front of her eyes as her lungs scream for air, a cramp stabbing into her side like a knife at the lack of oxygen. She doesn’t stop, her chest heaving, until she reaches the grove of trees behind the school building. And then she collapses, sinking into a cradle of oak tree roots, sheltered by the leaves above her head. Her tears soak into the earth._ _

__She doesn’t know how long she cries, curled alone in the branches. It could be anywhere from minutes to hours. Even when once again she has no more tears to cry, she remains curled against the tree, the solid, unbending trunk behind her grounding her when she can’t ground herself._ _

__She doesn’t hear the footsteps at first, lost in her own head as she stares out over the carefully trimmed lawn. But then she does, light, padding steps that barely shift the leaves around her. “Go _away ___, Caddie,” she mumbles, not lifting her head. “‘M fine, I promise…”__

____Soft fabric brushes her arm and Sonja realizes her visitor is sitting beside her, perched on one of the roots. She looks up a little, the words to send her away already on her tongue, and then they die as she looks into deep brown eyes._ _ _ _

____It’s not Cady after all, but Sophie Kawachi sitting beside her, the soft cotton of her pink floral dress tickling Sonja’s skin._ _ _ _

____“Why are _you ___here…?” Sonja mutters, turning her head away once more to avoid Sophie’s gentle gaze. She’s never had a problem with Sophie, but they’re not close either. All Sonja knows about is her is from the one time they were lab partners in ninth grade. Sophie is quiet, shy, looks at her feet more often than the blackboard, and more than happy to leave Sonja alone if left alone herself. They haven’t spoken since that class except for the occasional greeting.___ _

______Sophie shuffles for a moment beside her, and then stretches out a hand. Sonja’s curiosity gets the better of her after a second and she looks up once more, gasping slightly when she sees why._ _ _ _ _ _

______Cradled in Sophie’s pale hand is a delicate crane, folded from robin’s egg blue paper, formed to perfection._ _ _ _ _ _

______Sonja gapes at it for a moment, her brain sluggishly working to form a response. “I made you this,” Sophie murmurs, her voice just as soft and sweet as Sonja remembers. “To help you not be sad. To remind you that someone cares.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_______Someone cares. ____ _ _ _ _ _

________Two words that comfort her more than anything else anyone has said or done for her. Someone cares. Someone cares about her. That quiet, gentle reassurance that she’s not alone in this dulls a little of the cacophony in her mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sophie smiles then, showing a hint of pearly white teeth, and gently lifts Sonja’s hand, pressing the fragile little crane into her palm. The slightest squeeze of her hand, and then Sophie is gone again, leaving her with a little wave and the faint but lingering scent of a flowery perfume._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sonja cries a little more then, cradled in the roots with the crane cupped delicately in her hand, but this is different crying. A healing crying. It’s far less painful than the gut-wrenching sobs that wracked her body last night, just hot tears flowing silently down her cheeks as she allows herself to mourn what she’s lost._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She’s still suffering from a broken heart. But she feels a little more whole now, the crack ever-so-slowly starting to mend._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And Sophie Kawachi may just be her glue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
